life letters…

Sharp at 10pm each night, she would withdraw into the study, and furiously write something for the next hour or so. No one knew what. This had continued, without fail, for past 30 years. Ever since the first anniversary of the demise of her husband, exactly 30 years back to this day.

At first, her children had taken no notice of this habit. They were very young at that time, the eldest one being only 15, while the younger one had just turned 12. Too young and immature to understand. But slowly, they did begin to notice. Every day, post winding up her day’s work, and tending to all their countless wishes and abrupt requests, their mom would find solace in her private time. They soon realized the pattern, and tried hard to find out what it was that she wrote. But no amount of persuasion, displeasure or emotional blackmail worked. She would always smile and ward off their request. “Time will reveal dearies, and anyways what can I be writing? I am no author my dears.”

Ever since dad’s untimely demise, in a road accident, mom had steeled herself and withdrawn into her own world. Her smiles had a tinge of sadness to them, her conversations with the world measured and limited. They were well-to-do, but she still worked part time, maybe more to keep herself engaged. And kept them on a tight leash wrt the finances. “There’s enough for our need sweethearts, not enough for our greed” she would say. Preparing them to become more responsible and mature, they guessed.

Another curious thing they realized, was her weekly Saturday morning trips to the bank, never missed a single weekend. They had a locker with the bank, though they didn’t know what it contained.

Days turned into weeks, then months, then years. The kids grew up, had families of their own, soon she had grandkids stamping all over the house. The entire home would always be filled with warmth and laughter. And then slowly, as the day turned to evening, then to night, a sense of anticipation would fill the house. Everyone was aware of the routine by now. Sharp as the clock struck 10, she would get up, bid her goodnights, and proceed to her passion, to her study for her Mee time.

That day was different though. She didn’t feel normal. Her health had started to play up on her, she knew something was wrong. It had been a long life. She had carefully settled her family over the years, maybe it was now time to go? So thinking, she fell into a slumber, just at the stroke of 10. A brief sleep….

….Never to wake up again.

A few days after her cremation, the family got together for the reading of her will…they already had everything they needed – the love and warmth and togetherness – money and its distribution was not even a thought. They were all huddled into room here, all curious to know only one thing – what was it that She wrote, all these years? And only one emotion permeated the room – they were already missing her too much…

Finally, the moment came. The lawyer handed the them the key to the bank’s locker….or lockers as it were…and said that She had left them a solitary letter to be read out, and her entire life’s treasures were in the bank’s locker, which she would explain. And with their permission, he began reading out…

Quoting verbatim, her contents from the letter, which also contain the message I want to share…

“Dearies,

So, you are reading this letter….it means I am no more. Hope it was a life well lived. 🙂

You two have been the best kids any mom could get. And by God, I have tried to be the best mother I could, tried giving you everything I could. If I fell short, it was not for lack of trying.

Edited: And two of the most beautiful and charming and loving daughter-in-laws, better than any daughter could have been to me.
Edited again: And 4 wonderful kids, they keep me going everyday…

Truth be told, something within me died the very day your father left me. I was so deeply attached to him, I could almost feel my soul shatter at the thought of him no more being around. I didn’t know how long I’d survive this loss, at that time I didn’t think too long, although something tells me that I have probably outlived a lot more than most people do.

Edited: Indeed I have. :-). This old hag just celebrated her 70th birthday.

Anyways, so, I didn’t know what to do, how to bear this loss. I had 2 children to take care of, so many things to do, had a whole life in front, but no one to share every day with me. I could have married again, but that wouldn’t be a solution….no one could replace your father, either in my life or yours. I could have taken up a lot of hobbies, travelled the world, found a 100 things to do with you both. Indeed, I did so. But nothing would reduce the pain I felt within, persistent, and inexplicable. I needed to get a grip on life. Your dad had gone, but I needed him then more than ever. And so I decided to bring him back. Shocked? 🙂

No, I am not a sorceress….

Edited: Though I do look like one now, with the hair all over the place, the wrinkled face, front teeth missing.

You dad had given me countless memories, some of the most beautiful moments. More happiness and love than I could ever imagine. I decided to do the same. He may no longer be around, but he was ever present in my thought. So I decided to write to him, every day. I created a world, where he existed, maybe he was away on a trip, he would return soon….I only had to wait for a few more days today, even if there was a “new” today every day. I started sharing my sorrows and joys, my lows and highs, every bit about me. Started writing letters to him, and storing them safely. Each letter would run him through my day, ask about his :-), share the most funny or riveting moments of the day, seek his guidance on every problem I faced. And then go to sleep, relaxed that wherever he was, he was reading them and guiding me, holding my hand, taking me into the unknown future with confidence, hope and love. And that started calming me down. I felt something to look up to each day. This brief time to myself became my cure for all problems, became my joy and purpose in life.

I am sorry I was unfaithful to you….you thought you had all my attention, but maybe, just maybe, a little bit of me was not there. The bit that couldn’t leave the past. I did love you a lot, but maybe that was not enough to survive. And so this small time and window of my life, private and hidden.

Soon, I realized that what I am feeling, very likely you may go through the same. Hopefully not soon, but likely 1 day for sure, I would be no more, and maybe you would miss me? I am not sure…

Edited: Of course you would miss me, like you are doing now. Read on… 🙂

And so, I started writing 2 letters instead of one. One for your dad, and one for you. I would take great pains to make these letters different, bring in the different emotions I felt, guide you both like a mother and never show my weak moments, rather, be your strength…while I continued to derive that same strength from the memories of your father…

I have done this every single day since I started, all those years back. And it has created a powerful world of memories, that have energized me, kept me alive all this while. I know death is inevitable….one day I will have to go, just like everyone does. But death, or parting, need not be painful. It need not be sudden. It can be gradual, and the love and memories can remain. You should not feel that I’m gone, just that I am in a place where the communication can only be through these letters…slowly, take a bit of me out of your life, and replace it with a memory. Until one day I am no more in your thoughts, that sadness is no more, replaced with countless memories, all that joy, all that warmth….

I coined a silly word for all these letters I have written – “Life Letters”. Cause they were not just letters, they were powerful feelings expressed in words, that allowed me to remain sane, survive, when I didn’t know how long I would….

I have stored hundreds of these Life Letters for you…that’s exactly what I stored in the bank all these years. They have everything I had to give, please cherish them the same way I cherished my memories with your father, keeping him alive within me. And by the way….you can also read those letters I wrote to him… 🙂

Go on….live your life…you have all my blessings and love. Life is not in the past or the future, they say, but in the now. Well….then link your past and your future to your now….I’ve just shown you how…”

Edited: Not hundreds, but more than a thousand letters… 🙂
Edited again: Ten thousand letters, and counting. Phew! 🙂